1. |
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I picked up the diploma from off my bed, it’d been sitting there for about sixteen weeks
While I spun my wheels in another state, and I thought about gender and forgot how to eat
I drove seven hours in a Toyota sedan, tryna film out the window with my digital camera
I didn’t crash the car and I came home alive, but how come I still call it home after all this time
Sleeping in my childhood bed feels like waking up from a dream
I woke up this morning and I thought I was seventeen
But I don’t live here anymore
No I don’t live here anymore
No I don’t live here anymore
All of my paintings are still on the wall, even I don’t remember what some of them mean
And some of them don’t mean anything at all, and some of them do even when I don’t see it, well
Now I’m awake and it’s one in the morning, and I think that I’m fucked 'cause I’ve work in the morning
But I’m not freaking out and I think I’m okay
I just can’t ignore this severe thunderstorm warning
Sleeping in my childhood bed feels like waking up from a dream
Overcome with intense nostalgia for the year 2003
Cause I don’t live there anymore
No I don’t live there anymore
No I don’t live there anymore
And I see you dancing in the room where I used to live
I don’t see romancing as a thing that I need to live
Then why do I feel like there’s a stake through my chest
And why couldn’t I just be born like the rest
There’s something amiss and I’m not just depressed
I think something needs to change
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2. |
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[Michael]
I told you what I thought
I thought that you understood me
You understood me
[Julie]
Please just sit down and listen
To the lyrics that you wrote
Several months or years ago
Maybe they mean more than you know
More than you know
More than you know
More than you know
More than you know
Please listen to me now
[Michael]
Why did you say that?
Why the FUCK did you say that?
Now I can’t- stop thinking about it
And I don’t wanna think about it
But I can’t stop
I just- I need to know
I need to find out
And I need to know for sure
You fucking did this
YOU FUCKING DID THIS
FUCK YOU
[Anguished groan]
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3. |
target dot com
02:04
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Target dot com, womens’ clothing
Tank tops crop tops, jean shorts
Essentials sort by price, low to high
Size charts colors, four star reviews is this a hundred percent cotton or a cotton poly blend
A cotton poly blend
A cotton poly blend
A cotton poly blend
Order must be over thirty-five to qualify for free shipping, is that alright with you?
Order must be over thirty-five to qualify for free shipping, is that alright with you?
Order must be over thirty-five to qualify for free shipping, is that alright with you?
Order must be over thirty-five to qualify for free shipping, is that alright with you?
Is that alright with you?
Is that alright with you?
Is that alright with you?
Is that alright with you?
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4. |
It May Be Nothing
05:06
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It’s not like I’ve been feeling wrong, just ain’t been feeling right
It feels like something deep within me just came loose tonight
I can’t quite describe it but it’s something that’s been coming for a while
Every morning my reflection looks less and less like me
And the person I am gets a bit harder to see
When I look into my eyes I see myself look back from fifty miles
But it may be nothing
No it may be nothing
No it may be nothing
No it may be nothing
The things I’ve thought about myself don’t fit me anymore
It looks like all the bets are off, forget about before
Flipping through my past lives like a sketchbook I held on to until now
Yes of course I’m terrified and yes I am afraid
Yes I’m sure that this is real, I am being made
I am shaping myself out of clay 'cause it’s the best way I know how
But it may be nothing
No it may be nothing
No it may be nothing
No it may be nothing
All my life I’ve wanted to be
The perfect man the perfect me
But the thought I think I’ve hidden
What if there’s part of me that isn’t
A puzzle piece fell into place
I closed my eyes and touched my face
It’s been a long time coming now I realize
Something’s not as it seems
[A brief primer for those not 'in the know']
It may be nothing
(But I don’t think that it is)
No it may be nothing
(I’m done trying to pretend)
That it may be nothing
(thing is coming to an end)
No it may be nothing
(This is only the beginning)
No it may be nothing
No it may be nothing
No it may be nothing
But I don't think that it is
[Confession]
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5. |
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6. |
Breathe (Happy Ending)
04:12
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Breathe, breathe, shut your eyes, imagine your fingers tangled up in mine
I train my brain to remain in the pain, but I can’t feel when the pain ends
In, out, unclench your jaw, imagine five things, that you just saw
I’m too weak to speak or meet you
But I can’t conceive of when the pain will end (2, 3, 4)
You don’t need me, you don’t need me, and I don’t need you, I don’t need you
I’m so lonely, I’m so lonely
When I see you I don’t need to
Keep on running, keep on running
And keep pretending, keep pretending
But don’t I deserve, haven’t I finally earned
A happy ending
A happy ending
Hey, stop, your eyes are wild. Let me hold you just for a while
It’s okay to cry I’ll be close by, the pain is over now
You, me, we’re both the same, let’s run away and burn our old names
Huddle close to the flame, and don’t worry 'cause the pain is over now
You don’t need me, you don’t need me, and I don’t need you, I don’t need you
I’m so lonely, I’m so lonely
When I see you I don’t need to
Keep on running, keep on running
And keep pretending, keep pretending
But don’t I deserve, haven’t I finally earned
A happy ending
A happy ending
A happy ending
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7. |
Mirror Song
04:34
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My name is here, I wrote it on the wall
I was just a kid about eight years old
No subterfuge, no pseudonyms, I thought that this would be the end
Of all of that, but I, never told
I claim authorship of my works by scratching my name in a bathroom stall
Heart plus someone I knew a long time ago
They became a person I don't know
I need people to listen, to me
If a tree falls in the forest will I die
I just scream in this microphone at midnight
One of these days I’ll finally get it right
My audience, will finally arrive
But I been trying
I been trying
(And it never makes a difference anyway, when I’m alone)
(Tired of living underwater, tryna find some way to stay alive)
(And it seems like the sun is getting hotter, I'll stay, I'll stay inside)
But I looked into the mirror and I saw my name
Etched into the dirty glass, it was just the same
As the words I carved into my lonely heart
I muttered to myself I fucking hate this part
I took a step back out of the changing room
I looked around the store and its fluorescent gloom
Everyone will know exactly who I am
My identity emblazoned on my diaphragm
I looked outside, I saw the sun
It felt like my life had just begun
I looked outside, I saw the sun
It felt like my life had just begun
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8. |
09/12/2020
04:13
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I know you would kill me if you saw me like this
And I’m sorry that you always hated yourself
It didn’t have to be that way
And that’s why I decided one day
To quit repeating and take a chance on something else
And why would you, wait for me, to get over the fear
And why would you, wait for me for twenty-three years
You spent so long searching for the easy way out
A unifying theory why you always felt wrong
Well it seems like you could've been right
You just buried the answer because you didn’t like it
But now I’m ready to accept what has been true all along
I closed my eyes, my heart beat fast, I opened up the chest
My tears welled up, am I faking this, making this up
Then why do I feel at rest
(Feel at rest)
Why can’t I stop laughing at the thought of me?
Why can’t I stop laughing at the thought of me?
Why can’t I stop laughing at the thought of me being happy?
Because you are who I used to be
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9. |
Prayer for the Lost
04:15
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I saw her again last night
Driving through city streets
Through the window of a bookstore
I could not believe my eyes
I wanted to call her name, but my voice was quiet
And the words they would not come
As we just passed on by
She had long blonde hair now, and dark rimmed glasses
But it was the same girl, that I’d seen outside of class
And she was happy
And she was happy
And she was happy
This time she was happy
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10. |
julie
02:25
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I saw her again last night
Driving through city streets
Through the window of a bookstore
I could not believe my eyes
I wanted to call her name, but my voice was quiet
And the words they would not come
As we just passed on by
She had long blonde hair now, and dark rimmed glasses
But it was the same girl, that I’d seen outside of class
And she was happy
And she was happy
And she was happy
This time she was happy
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11. |
Mall Fantasy is Dead
07:31
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[A Conclusion]
What happened to the last ten years
What happened to the twenty-tens
It seems like one moment I was just twelve years old
And the next one I just came out to my friends
I used to think they took away my future
But they also took away my past
(Living in the past, I'm living in the past)
And how long has it been, since 1956
And how long will it be until the last
[Worker productivity is nearly 250% of what it was in the year 1970. Wages have increased 8% in the same period]
(Take me away from the sins of the world)
(Oh have mercy, have mercy on me)
Mom and I walked there when it was raining
I think it was just last year
(How long has it been since 1956)
I felt that old nostalgia stir within me
But I could feel they didn’t want me here
You know all of it just feels so artificial
But achingly familiar too
Like a lie that we were told for all our lives
That we desperately wanted to be true
[If you have a visceral fear reaction at the thought of trying on a dress, ask yourself: why?]
(I want to run away)
(I want to run away)
(I just want to breathe, and shut my eyes)
('Cause maybe then, maybe then I can be free)
But the time for childish things is over
And now that there’s nothing left unsaid
Of those old nostalgic buildings that we built our lives around
The time has come, Mall Fantasy is Dead
I took my gun and shot him in the head
I took my gun and shot him in the head
I took my gun and shot him in the head
I took my gun and shot him in the head
I took my gun and shot him in the head
I took my gun and shot him in the head
I took my gun and shot him in the head
I took my gun and shot him in the head
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2:00AM Wake Up Call High Point, North Carolina
2:00AM Wake Up Call is making indie-ish lo-fi-ish emo-ish folksy music in High Point, NC.
2:00AM Wake Up Call recommends:
This makes me feel some feelings
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